Steve's Blog

Yeah, this about sums up all that can be said that hasn’t been said already. Anything at all here would only dredge up another chaotic clump of sand from the bottom, and choke off the topic most important, which is how we are all connected. Luxury vs Happiness – each being evolutionarily marketed to us as “experiences,” and charged from us at premium prices. Greed has been the core of destructive leadership since time immemorial. That we’re celebrating more than five thousand years of human existence, and NO culture has even tried to manage it… wow. Well, what are you gonna do anyway? It would be nice if John Nash’s so-called “Equilibrium” theories could be applied to fair market pricing from a consumer perspective. Though I admit my only understanding of it comes primarily from my having watched A Beautiful Mind so many times. LOL

Just killing some time before I leave for work. Guess I should go.

So I edited my first past post. My last post “More often…” had some pretty angry comments. As I looked back on the post, I realized I didn’t really feel that angry about it at the time. I didn’t really consider the thoughts I posted. With such an inclination toward free association when writing, it can be difficult to avoid evolving the situation in one’s head. That’s likely what happened there.

I’m blogging about it now because I feel shady for editing the past. I hate when people do it in debate or argument. And I told myself (not promised, whew!) that I’d never go back and edit. I’m good here though, because I really think I was setting my own record (and ultimate source for recollection) straight. As much as I consider the impact of putting my thoughts online for the world to see, I fully appreciate the danger and chose to take the risk. So I’m really posting here for me, because it brings more sense of purpose to the act of chronicling things, and I can do it from wherever I want, when an idea is fresh in my head. …LOL… I should probably post more in those moments, instead of boredom that leads to a wandering mind, and a subsequent post to vent the steam I just built up all on my own. Doh!

Wow, I really need to post more often. I can’t believe it has been more than a month since my last post. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to say. LOL But life has been pretty up and down over the last month.

First… the good part. Last year I made some financial plans. I mean the year in total was a fiscal fiasco. LOL I took out short term loans, and then got into the pit those loans put people into when they do not pay them back as soon as possible after getting them. In my case, I had an issue with a potential financial fix gone awry. That added a bunch of junk onto the wagon.

Anyway, I made my own bed, so I lay in it with no regrets.  And, over the last several months, I’ve done a fabulous job of putting everything back in order. I’m not quite out of the proverbial woods yet, but by the middle of March, I’ll be 90% in order. And, by April 20th, I’ll be well out of the woods, and back to my normal disposable income having self again.

It’s amazing how well i deal with a poor cash flow. I buy larger, cook smaller, and make use of nearly all leftovers. Once ever few months I find little bits of extra stuff in the fridge that must be tossed in the bin. But, for the most part, what gets tossed wouldn’t make up more than one hearty meal for one person. I’d call that pretty frugal, and conservationist in approach.

My next step is to get a handle on some stupidity in my credit report. There is one item that I’m really irresponsible with. Then there are 2 items that should not even be there. I don’t really know why I don’t get them off of there, LOL. I should probably do that.

Sometime this year I think I may just buy a house. I’ve toyed with the idea for a long time, but have never really approached it seriously until the last month or two. My apartment is FREEZING during the winter months, with an archaic heating system that works, but fails to circulate air. The result of that is this bubble of hot air that I try to circulate with a fan. But, depending on the direction of the wind outside, that either warms, or cools even more, the inside temp. I’ve been here for 4 winters now, and I really think I’m just tired of it. Shame too, since I really like the apartment and this is really the only complaint I have. I  actually have a gas fireplace that would come in handy. However, there are no ceramic logs in the hearth. The landlady…despite my $50,000+ in rent over 3.5 years…said (quite rudely, in fact) “I’m not paying $160 from some logs.” – But then she casually informed me that I was welcome to buy logs and burn them in there. She also didn’t give a shit about the fact that, with gas fireplaces (and by Long Beach law) you must weld the flu in the full open position. Well, any idiot that has ever started a fire in a fireplace knows that, you adjust the flu to manage the heat. Since you can’t do that…she clearly doesn’t care that I’d have to spend $300-500 on wood ever winter, for a fireplace that will send that heat directly into the sky along with the smoke it creates. Further, she didn’t give a shit that my 700 sq. ft apartment, clothing and furniture, all smell like smoke after I do light a fire in there. That part I don’t really mind so much. But that’s because we accept it as a normal part of doing business. You burn wood for heat…you deal with the smell of smoke. But if I’m burning wood to heat the air that escapes through the chimney, I’m just wasting my money.

That last thought has been driving me nuts too. I told them I had no logs when I moved in long ago, and she had some personal assistant…and they said they’d “look into” the logs. Nobody ever got back to me, and the next winter, I felt uncomfortable asking for some reason. I guess I had assumed she shied away based on cost (though, when I looked at logs, I saw them mostly at $500-900). But I did ask again last winter, and she said she’d look into it. But, within a day or two, she told me that the logs were very expensive, and to let her know if I found cheaper logs.  …But then, this year, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to deal with ‘another’ freezing cold winter in that drafty apartment. So I asked her again…

Only this time, my heater wouldn’t start. So as she was bringing the repairman over, we talked again, and she asked me if it was OK that she came in with the repairman and address my logs.  I said OK of course…ecstatic! But, she actually showed up early that day with the guy.  I had to take a shower for work, and when I got out of there…she and the heater guy had lit the flame on the fireplace, and chuckled at me because they thought I didn’t know that I could.  It wasn’t until I tried to explain how a fireplace and a flu work together that she got all uppity and rude and told me pretty much that it wasn’t worth it to her to spend $160 on the fireplace. This ignorant jerk actually suggested that, if I wanted to buy them, she wouldn’t object? Ugh…it was all I could do not to tell her to go fly a kite.

I always know when I’m rambling…because the free association bug flutters in my stomach, and I get self conscious that I’m saying too much. But, good for me… it’s healthy to write out too much I think, at least in many cases…and I only ever edit punctuation or clarity, never really content or sentiment.

…with the face!

Tell me if you have experienced this:

1. you post an opinion on a page, based on a previous post.

2. someone tells you that you’re way off base.

3. you explain there’s additional information, but that you don’t want to debate it either way.

4. same someone responds with condescending character jabs.

5. You tell them to go fly a kite, since you’re not debating anything in the first place.

6. someone-2 chimes in telling you that ‘you’ are being rude to someone.

7. someone-3 chimes in to tell you that they know as much as you (evidently to cancel that you were ever qualified to even respond to someone’s original judgement of your original idea).

8. someone replies again to begin telling ‘you’ why ‘you’ have replied with your choice of replies, and that you should reevaluate yourself in some personal index.

…………

That awkward moment when you want to punch yourself in the f#$@#^face for caring about anything after Step 1.  Ugh.

The second cathartic thing I’ve written here (but who’s counting?). I realize how stupid I was to care. I’ve been in IT for a long time, and I know the part of the mind that engages in Internet banter.

Oh yeah…I need to slow down when I drive. I drive way too aggressively. Will work on that.

Wow, I really need to get a handle on my budget this year. Last year, both directly and indirectly, I spent a whopping $9700…specifically on other people. I was on track and spending wisely, and then I made a few irresponsible choices. Helping others, putting a few others on vacation, gifts, expenses, etc., really bit me in the ass, as it were.

I don’t regret a single dollar really. Though I do regret not making better financial choices. I went into debt for the sake of a potential business venture, but not on the venture itself. Instead, I allowed myself to believe that someone was going to get on board. Which is why I don’t regret any of the money. It was an investment in a friend at the very core. Though it did not pan out in the long term gain I had hoped, and for which I was more inspired than he, he benefited immensely from the vacation. Where I had hope of inspiring opportunity, my friend had hope of inspiring a new and better outlook on life. He achieved it too, I believe. Who could regret that time and effort well spent? Nobody I would call a friend anyway.

No more of those stupid short term, high interest loans. They suck. Soon the last one will be gone and I vow to live without them from now on. Grrr. Well, at least I’m not in over my head. And, when this is done, the “cost” of last year will be a totally distant memory. And…the good news, is all that extra cash back in the budget!

This was cathartic. After writing, I have that feeling I get when I make massive changes in my life. It’s feeling pretty galdang good!

I saw someone post online today that they were glad 2011 was ending, and wondering where 2012 would take them? Of course it’s almost cliche to lament the passing year’s failure to herald the arrival of our proverbial “ship coming in” and, as if the redundancy of what necessarily follows will somehow cause it to come to fruition, to think positively in hopes of at least some semblance of a prosperous new year. But that wasn’t what made this post stick in my head to the point that I’d come and create a blog post about it. No, what struck me was the two answers.

I gave my standard positive thought process message. Decide for yourself where you want to be. Believe that it is possible. And imagine that you are there. Then, in short order, keep your eyes open for the opportunities that allow you to take yourself there.

The next person suggested that, in their life, they’ve found that the destination was never as important as their journey (since all journeys lead home). They went on to say that one should focus on making the journey worthwhile.

Eh, balderdash. Life is not, and never should be, about the journey. Thomas Wolf said “You can’t go home again.” And he’s 100% correct. You can return to where you grew up, or the geographic location where your family might even still reside, their roots still deeply planted next to the abandoned plow rows which once held your own strong roots…but you’re never home again. You can make a new home there again. But it’s never the same. Lives and times change.

Will Rogers once said: “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand still.” He’s saying that you need to focus, and to keep moving forward. However, beyond the wit of Will’s intent, as a philosophical tool it must be remember that a track takes you only one direction. Thus, it isn’t enough to just ‘have’ a goal, so that you can just relax on the train, and seemingly forget about getting to it on our own.

This is what those who focus on the journey are doing. They focus on a train with plenty of amenities being offered up by the purser. Thus, in terms of effort, it becomes about ‘hard work’ and things like punctuality in the work place. By settling into the fair compensation of service to an employer, or a good investment portfolio, they feel they can just sit around and spend time checking with the conductor as to what time you’ll be arriving. And, the irony, is they’re really not going anywhere. And when the train suddenly stops, it will only have been a metaphor for their physical heartbeat.

So, those who focus on the journey, are really looking for a simpler life. They seek an opportunity for long term complacency, through the absence of stress related interruptions. It doesn’t mean they fear encountering them, or even dealing with such interruptions as brave champions. But they’re really not actually ‘traveling’ anywhere. Thus the real metaphor becomes “riding” the journey, as opposed to “walking” it. And, in riding it, you have virtually no control over that journey whatsoever. The irony then, is that even ‘they’ aren’t focusing on the journey, as much as the train ride escape from the need to focus on getting to any particular destination.

But we all know that this isn’t reality. Nobody is on some proverbial train. We’re really walking on some road or another, as opposed to a track. A track only goes in one direction, without a manual switch to another track. But our life bound roads have many side paths that can be used to fully divert our long term course. Still other paths are shorter and lead to various vistas, each of which has some measure of either beauty or horror about it, or even often both. These shorter paths don’t fully cause us to lose sight of the destination, but they prevent us from reaching it just the same. Each of these paths keeps us from the goal to some degree and, unless part of some master plan (i.e. a focus on the goal), these carry their measure of possible detriment.

Will’s statement still holds true on a road though. Just substitute asphalt and shoe leather for rails, ties and spikes, and you’re just as likely to be run down if you can’t keep up with traffic. One would offer that it is even more important on a road. Since, when traveling upon one of those side roads and being passed by, is tantamount to being run down. So then, as the analogy translates also into the question of “what exactly constitutes the ultimate condition of being run over,” it is then argued that the net effect is the same if the world has just left you in its proverbial rear view mirror. And, just as with the rails in Will’s original, leaving the tracks/road is, both symbolically and realistically, derailing a plan in your life…or, at the very least, delaying those plans and of course any net results for the effort as well.

Thus, it necessarily follows that, because we all are most certainly on a journey…that being from life to death. We must keep moving forward.

Momentary pauses are always acceptable. These are the moments that we fit in our periods of controlled happiness. A trip away, or a period of short-term/contract employment. These life re-orienting digressions are healthy and often necessary. As long as we always remember that we ‘are’ on a road. Even if we don’t want to be on any road at all, we’re on one just the same. Those who refuse to acknowledge this, and fail to make and employ their plans with reverence to it, are merely drifting in their lives.

Hey, there’s nothing illegal about riding the waves and going with the flow. Chance and serendipity have been bedfellows many times. Unfortunately, one would have to be both their bedfellow to achieve happiness with them. And while I love a good three way as much as the next guy…that does not result in any form of long term affection. Something always gives, which leaves the human being needing those plans that were never actually made. This ends that relationship, and about as negligently as is humanly possible to do.

Me…I’m a planner. I’ve been accused of planning the time of day I’ll fart on a trip. LOL I like to think I really dig spontanaeity. But evidently I need to be sure it doesn’t screw anything else up along the way.

OK, I admit it…it’s true. I love spontanaity, as long as it fits into the plan.

What????

LOL It just occurred to me that I write like I’m talking to myself. And I am really. I type and respond to what I type. It’s how I write. I don’t have to look at the keyboard, so I’m actually reading as I write this crap that I dump out of my head. So, for me, it’s like I get to interact with my own thoughts as they hit the screen. It’s really kind of cool.

Well, it’s cool until you realize that you’re not actually writing anymore about what you were writing about a few paragraphs up…

OK…so, back on that topic. Yes, I’m an avid planner. Eisenhower once said something to the effect of plans being completely useless, but the planning itself indispensible. Even Lao Tsu, in the Art of War said that the more you plan, the more likely success. It’s pretty academic really. So that’s what I do it. But I don’t just rely on the plan. I interact with it. I use the universe and the energy in it to keep my drive on track and will to persevere and succeed forging to fruition.

I’m also a so-called positive thinker. While I don’t understand all of the ins and outs of the so called Law of Attraction, I do understand what it is. Because I’ve never been a slave to labeling everything item that would otherwise qualify as “the unknown.” I’m happy to allow any number of things to exist for which I can provide no real explanation, and never apply any nomenclature to them whatsoever. In other words, I don’t need to name it for it to exist. And I don’t have to understand it for it to exist or, much more importantly, to affect me and my life. With this approach to thought, and this method of identifying the components of that thought process, as well as the acceptance of some measure of the unknown, I find that I don’t have to really care about much else, other than the plan.

It’s really quite liberating actually.

I guess I’m done now.   This was a draft I started a short time ago, and I’m glad I came back to it.

I don’t quite know why I’m so far inside of my head on the blog thing. I think of a lot to write here, but it rarely gets to the page. A lot of that is the convenience factor (since I’m at work usually), but mainly my jury is still out on the value vs vulnerability argument. I’m past the whole ‘if anybody even reads’ it phase. I have one or two folks who check it out from time to time, and I will occasionally post a link to an article on my social networking pages. But I’m still mired in the confusion of whether it’s wise to post intimate thoughts, or random rants and raves simply because I can.

It’s widely agreed that externalizing otherwise bottled up emotions is cathartic. Yet here I am still writing about the same bottled up issues that I’ve posted before. No, I haven’t put them to paper just yet…but, as I type this, I assure you THAT is what I was coming on to type again.

Perhaps I should get down to writing my own life story. After all, everything is a collection of results from a specific, almost mappable, chain of events in the past. Every time I rant, there is some small nanosecond of an emotion I felt at some younger age. And it will be sitting right there next to another nanosecond or two from various other times arbitrarily earlier in my life. The resulting soup will either sweeten or sour the flavor of the opinion that is the topic of the rant. I think it would be great to know how that spice machine works.

If I wrote my life story, I could put all of the events in order. All of the parental successes and failures would fall onto a timeline. The ups and downs, and eventual implosion, of the relative domestic tragedy that was my growing up family life, would be laid end to end, and cross referenced from side to side, until I could conceivably finally understand what the hell I’m trying to accomplish. Whether it all lies in understanding myself, or understanding why I fail to make obvious choices, and specifically (self-destructively) why I make obviously bad choices, is possibly a question I can answer. Because that’s what I’m really trying to do. I’m trying to make better choices.

It would be an interesting read. But, alas, in the long run, it would only open up a whole new set of circumstances. The worst results would certainly involve dredging up a distant past of immediate family aches and growing pains. That alone would make me change the names in the story…to protect me. LOL I don’t think they realize how they’ve affected me. Even in their not being there, and the way they’ve treated me in their inane drive to be nothing more than petty. I love them very much, but I don’t look at my (immediate) family in any favorable light. ;P I see a lot of strength in their offspring, but a lot of that comes from the same lack of opportunity and choices when we were younger. They do what I do, which is to try and correct the mistakes that are recognized from their past, and make better choices. I don’t know if they are dealing with the same (depth of) issues that I am, but hey, who knows…they’re not 48 either.

So anyway…the blog…

I guess the most obvious issue I have putting stuff on this blog, however, is being held accountable for what I say on here. It is essentially a diary, right? Or not so much…and I’m supposed to be doing more of an incidental rant here, or brief summary of my day. I guess it’s whatever I want it to be…but, I should try to get a little more focus.

OK, enough free association drivel. blah blah blah…

I was tooling around Facebook today on my day off. On some personal interest fan page (one with an emphasis on gay issues and opinions), I encountered someone criticizing a politician. Now, far be it from me to ‘not’ exercise my First Amendment rights (ugh, if only I’d exercise my body a small fraction of the same amount of time hahaha)…but this guy really had it wrong. And the ‘way’ he had it wrong, really struck a chord with me about why we have such a hard time getting along as humans.

The post had a screen capture the politician’s web page. On the screen capture he used, there was the politician’s family, huddled lovingly in a traditional Christmas card style pose. It was a nice picture. At the top of the page was the perennial greeting “…wishing you Happy Holidays!”

The poster’s issue was actually with that same politician, during the previous few weeks, had produced a political message video whereby he commented on the close correlation of Christmas and [Jesus] Christ. I didn’t see the video,, but it sounds at least like the age old “don’t write Xmas” argument.

[pause]

I wonder how many people gave that scenario a moment of thought. And, despite the fact that I don’t want to enable comments on this post, LOL I wonder what everybody thought of it.

Honestly, the politician is a douche bag. He’s one of those obtuse hypocritical politicians that says whatever someone wants to hear, while completely oblivious of the fact that those groups of people actually talk to each other too. Then, to my surprise, the Admin of that special interest fan page chimed in calling his position “an excellent point!” And, while on other pages I’d have probably been OK with that, I actually respect this page Admin, who also happens to be famous (thus, it could also be a staff member managing the page. But still.).

I just don’t see anything logical in the point at all. The politician made a video based on his relationship with God, while creating a static public message intended to convey his best wishes at this time of year to virtually all potential religious convictions of his entire constituency.

OK, so I actually agree with the “Merry Christmas” saying. That we’ve become so politically correct that I must concern myself with the possible hurt feelings of every person toward which I choose to express my happiness and joy at that time of year…blows my mind. Of course we should be caring, and not push our own mood or overall social disposition onto someone else carelessly. I just have a problem with the fundamental thought process of someone who takes issue with the distinction.

Even if someone doesn’t celebrate a Christian holiday, it is arguably so that they will indeed be alive on that holiday. That socially recognized holiday, Federally recognized, isn’t even considered the actual date of the birth of Christ. So, regardless of whether a person celebrates it or not, the date is still Christmas (on the calendar), and worth wishing happiness.

Ultimately, it’s not a crime to not wish someone Merry Christmas in any event. It’s certainly not some requirement. So, again, wishing someone a Merry Christmas is as much a gift as anything else that might pass between two human beings. As would be any other greeting, Happy Hanukkah or Wishing individual greetings on any one or all of the days of Kwanzaa. In each case, again, a gift between human beings. And, in turn, the failure to speak it is really just a chose not to offer specific greetings.

Enter “Happy Holidays.” I consider it a happy fail safe, for those who wish to offer the gift of holiday greetings to virtually any possible audience. In fact, I often choose to say this myself, especially when I encounter Indian colleagues, or other known Hindu or Buddhist friends. And, ironically, they more often than not just say “thank you” and don’t return thee greeting. LOL It doesn’t bother me either. Hell, it bothers me more when someone doesn’t return a friendly “Hi” walking down the street.

But to think that it is the subject of someone’s banter against the use of one holiday greeting over a specific Christ-centric Christmas greeting…again, blows me away.

I remember when we were allowed to just talk to each other. And, unless you’re at least on the cusp of the age of 40 (I’m coming up on 50), you don’t…I assure you.

I used to hate the blog. I still don’t like it. But it is nice to have this place to do a lot of free association writing. Still not sure about making it public LOL, but very happy I have comments disabled.